Drink up
How I feel about my future.
In 2010 I’d like to be…
Interning at IGN for spring semester Solidifying a job at ULM for design Applying for 4-year 2011 Smoke-free Working out 5 days a week.
These are goals that will be obtained.
Why I am tired of waiting
So, unfortuantley my tumblr has turned into a place to dump my random thoughts. I suppose this is what a blog is essentially used for, but I apologize if a majority of these blogs come off whiny (that is a word)
Today was relatively good. My internship at University Link is coming around nicely, with some odd changes taking place that have me both excited and nervous. The lack of a steady income (other than my writing income, which frankly is less than I am used to making) has taken quite a toll on my psyche. I imagine many other people in these times are facing this, and I sympathize and hope they make it through it all as well.
My career path is fruitful, though the fruits yielded are typically lemons. While I understand that dreams are not fulfilled instantly, I still feel disinfranchised due to the amount of work I put in and the rewards I recieve. On one hand I am gaining tons of valuable experience, but on the other I am performing work for little to no pay. This is something that has weighed heavy throughout the months and has seriously whittled at my self confidence and happiness.
Money means everything and nothing. It’s a odd paradox, which leaves me still trying to learn the lesson I imagine it is trying to teach me. Without money I feel unaccomplished and worthless, as if my talents mean little to nothing in the “real world.”
I do admit that I have put-off finding “normal work” because of my hope that my experience can point me otherwise. I have applied to a few places now, only to suddenly have other offers thrown to me that are, of course, non-paid. An example of this is an interest by an editor at IGN.com.
The day that I apply for a retail job, my internship inquiry at IGN comics is possibly anwsered. The problem is that it demands two to five days of my time during the spring semester. I am BOOKED during spring semester, with classes running monday through thursday and ending at 3 p.m.
The internship—if I was to take it—would take up two of those days, leaving the rest of the weekdays to working at another job. That other job might hopefully include a permenant position at the current publication I intern at, which would demand ALOT of my time throughout the week. So I am left with a impasse.
Do I take the IGN internship (a publication that I dream to work for) and try to work a steady job at a real publication. OR do I drop the publication I intern at now, take the IGN offer (if it comes to that), and then work a normal job on the weekends.
The way current events are unfolding, something tells me that something out there is hoping that I stick to my dreams, regardless if they pay. I just wish that “something” would speak a bit more clearly.
An early new year
It’s odd how a year ago I felt somewhat secure. My financials were relativley in order, I had a job that I held for four years, and I was going to school and achieving a stable 3.0 GPA.
Another lesson learned as I systematically dismantled that formula with a well practiced form of self-destruction. I quit my job out of frustration, without obtaining another job in advance. Then—not content with that—I dropped all of my fall semester classes as I struggled under the stress of NOT having a job and dealing with a wealth of other things.
There is no control now, and most—if not all—of it is a product of my doing. The result of this tumultuous three months has left me afloat, in a sort of purgatory as I try my best to find a way out of it.
Thankfully, there is a lesson learned in everything that we do.
- I have learned to pick my battles.
- I have learned to take responsibility for my actions, instead of running from them and blaming problems on outside forces that have nothing to do with it.
- I have also learned that thinking you can do something is a lot different than actually doing it.
- Most importantly: I have learned that in order to achieve what you want, you have to work hard for it. (you think I would have gotten that earlier in life)
- And no matter how hard you try, you must accept that some dreams will not be reached.
There are good days, horrible days, and medicore days. But I look forward to my final year before transffering out, and look forward to working on my weakness while improving my strengths.
Charles Bukowski, How To Be A Great Writer
you’ve got to fuck a great many women
beautiful women
and write a few decent love poems.
and don’t worry about age
and/or freshly-arrived talents.
just drink more beer
more and more beer
and attend the racetrack at least once a
week
and win
if possible
learning to win is hard -
any slob can be a good loser.
and don’t forget your Brahms
and your Bach and your
beer.
don’t overexercise.
sleep until moon.
avoid paying credit cards
or paying for anything on
time.
remember that there isn’t a piece of ass
in this world over $50
(in 1977).
and if you have the ability to love
love yourself first
but always be aware of the possibility of
total defeat
whether the reason for that defeat
seems right or wrong -
an early taste of death is not necessarily
a bad thing.
stay out of churches and bars and museums,
and like the spider be
patient -
time is everybody’s cross,
plus
exile
defeat
treachery
all that dross.
stay with the beer.
beer is continuous blood.
a continuous lover.
get a large typewriter
and as the footsteps go up and down
outside your window
hit that thing
hit it hard
make it a heavyweight fight
make it the bull when he first charges in
and remember the old dogs
who fought so well:
Hemingway, Celine, Dostoevsky, Hamsun.
If you think they didn’t go crazy
in tiny rooms
just like you’re doing now
without women
without food
without hope
then you’re not ready.
drink more beer.
there’s time.
and if there’s not
that’s all right
too.
Went to Disneyland. Awesome day.
Ironic.
